Thought I'd try something different today.

Usually I check my email and surf the 'net while I drink my first cup of coffee. It's important to give the caffeine time to kick in before I try to write. I feel much more creative with caffeine.

Today I thought I'd post to my blog BEFORE coffee just to see what would happen and how fun it would be.

It's not fun. I don't like it. Turns out I don't like doing ANYTHING without caffeine.

Screw this. I'm outta here.

I was having a really rough week at work.

Projects were piling up

The phone wouldn't stop ringing

Idiots kept walking in my office expecting me to drop everything to address their whiny needs.

By Thursday, I had pulled out my calculator

(Carried in my breast pocket and shielded from environmental harm by my trusty pocket protector)

And had calculated the feasability (is it spelled right?)

Of quitting and living off my meager savings.

*sigh*

The key word in that last sentence is "meager".

So having realized that I was cursed to be a worker-bee for the rest of my natural life

(and then some)

I wiped the tears and went back to work

Finishing my Thursday in true disgruntled civil servant style:

Yelling and screaming at anyone and everyone.

But then a miracle happened!

On Friday morning

An epiphany (what the hell is an epiphany? Look it up and learn sumthin')

Suddenly I realized what I had been doing wrong

I realized why I had become so inefficient

Why the pile of unfinished paperwork on my desk had just kept getting bigger and bigger!

It was because I wasn't using the proper equipment to do my work!

I was ecstatic at this revelation

My life seemed to have meaning once again.

And as I adjusted my work process to incorporate the proper equipment

I felt uplifted

Nay, EXALTED!

By the end of the day, my pile was gone

My work was all done

And I was no longer disgruntled.

All thanks to

Using

The

Proper

Equipment

As shown below.



(ed note: the proper spelling is feasibility. If you got it wrong, get up off your fat butt, put down the x-box controller, and open a friggin' book. LEARN SUMTHIN'!)






It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

I've never been much of a religious person

So worshipping idols

And putting things "on a pedestal"

To be glorified

Has never been much my style.

There is one exception, however.

Every day

Every

Single

Day

I bow down

And get on my knees

At the altar

Of the almighty

Coffee.

Yes, Coffee, my friends.

It has the power to solve the world's problems.

I know this

Because Coffee has been the source of many miracles in my life!

My testament to the miraculaous power of Coffee:

Daily

I mean

Every

Single

Day,

Coffee causes me to

NOT kill

Any of the idiots I am forced to interact with.

I need no more proof than that.

My lord

My god

Coffee.

That's me worshipping at the altar of Coffee

God must love stupid people; He made SO many of them!

I had to re-learn an important lesson today.

One that I have learned periodically

Over and over

As the years have oozed by...

Just because the movie looks good on the Netflix page

Doesn't mean you should shoot it up to the top of the list.

Case in point:

Shira: The Vampire Samurai.

Ouch.

I gave it a full 3 and a half minutes before I had to turn SpongeBob on.

Never

Ever

Ever

Ever

Rent this movie.

If you do

I will find you

And laugh at you.





He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

Good news: I got a laptop.

Bad news: It has Windows Vista on it.

Good news: I have now accepted Windows Vista as a little piece of Evil in my life.

Bad news: There's a stupid application that starts up every time I start the laptop.

And I can't figure out how to make it stop starting.

It puts an icon in the System Tray.

Ooh, I hate that!

That's MY system tray! Don't put things there without my permission, dammit!

The only way I can turn it off is to manually exit the app every time the laptop starts.

This irritates the Hell out of me.

If you've read my previous posts about efficiency in computer operations

(Don't lie. You know you haven't)

Then you know

I absolutely

Unequivically (is that spelled right? look it up. learn somethin')

Hate

Inefficient computer ops.

So to have to go thru these steps EVERY TIME THE COMPUTER STARTS:

1. Right-click on icon in system tray
2. Select Exit

Is for me, like fingernails on a chalkboard.

(Remember that scene in Jaws? THAT was a scene I will never forget!)

I've provided graphics to illustrate my annoyance.



Can you see it there in the system tray?

Mocking me? Scoffing at everything I believe in?

It annoys me.

Can't see it?

Here, I've marked it for you.Now prepare yourself.

I've enlarged it

So you can see it

In all its Evil Glory.

I warn you. This may be too intense for younger blog readers.

Parents, send you kids from the room now.

Ok. Here it is:


It's the icon for the built-in webcam.

It teases me at startup

Knowing that if I want it to go away

I must manually make it do so.

It also knows that I hate

Redundancy

And

Repeating myself (hee hee hee).

I SHOULD be able to program its non-existence

By checking a box somewhere

So that it never appears again.

But as God is my witness

I can't find that box

Anywhere.

Thus, I decree this application

"Gateway Web Camera Assistant Software UVC 1.7.068.0729"

To be Evil

With a capital "E"

Thus denoting that is worse than regular evil things

Like brocolli

And decaf coffee.

(ed note: it wasn't spelled correctly. Correct spelling is "unequivocally". Did you learn something?)







Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.