JimBob

2011-09-03T10:04:00.003-05:00

'Sup bitches?

Oh I'm feelin' it today.

Oh yeah.

You hear? I did over eight miles today.

And the post-run endorphins are still busily percolatin' thru my thinkin' organ

ed note: the author's wife disagrees with him on which organ he actually thinks with.

Add to that a liberal amount of caffeine

And I become

Invincible

Bullet-proof

Or as the hippies used to say:

High on life.

As a comparison

It used to take three beers

A shot of Jack

And a couple tequila body shots off a stripper's ass

To get me to this state.

Hmmm...

I think I like the way I'm doing it now better,

'Cuz when I run long distances to get my high

I don't wake up in strange beds

With strange people

In strange cities

In strange states

In strange countries

With no money.

Oh, and you very rarely catch an STD while running.

One day at a time, my bruthuhs and sistuhs!

Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt on your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order.

2011-08-13T09:27:00.003-05:00

I'm in a unique mood right now.

Perfect for blogging.

Ran 6 miles with my running group this morning

And the post-run endorphins are peaking

In my brain

Friggin' awesome.

Combine that with my second cup of coffee

And we have a recipe for

Euphoria.

ed-WTF is euphoria, you ask? Look it up in an online dictionary. Learn somethin' for Chrissake.

Now this type of euphoria is good enough for most anyone

But not me

I need a little something

Special

An extra ingredient

To put me in the mood

To blog.

Especially this blog.

I need

Snarkiness.

And I got it in spades right now.

Now this combination

The Endorphins

The Caffeine

The Snarkiness

Won't keep me peakin' for long

But while it does

I'm at my rare best

For writing posts.

So sit back

Take a deep breath

Say a prayer to whatever gods or devils you worship

And prepare to be amazed.

Shit. It's gone.

Guess I'll see you in 6 months for my next post.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.

2011-03-21T14:58:00.002-05:00

Today I learned a new word:

Weaselly.

I looked it up.

It's real.

It means "like a weasel".

This is the term of endearment you earn

When you get busted voting for yourself

Anonymously

On someone else's blog poll.

*sheesh*

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

2010-08-18T21:04:00.003-05:00

It's only been a couple months since my last post.

Can't figure why, then,

I suddenly want to blog again.

Hmm.

I'll meditate on it and get back to you

In a few months.

While you're waiting

Read my restaurant blog.

Over there

On the right.

I'm a tad more prolific in my writing (typing?) there.

Now leave.

I have to meditate.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

2010-06-29T07:58:00.002-05:00

Branson, Missouri.

SOUTHERN Missouri.

Yee

Haw.

Sittin' in a cabin

Lookin' at the woods

Very relaxing.

Later today, I will be forking over

WAY too much cash

For shows that weren't good enough

To make it in Vegas

(at least that's the running joke around here).

I hope to have at least a few dollars left for retirement when I leave this vacation spot.

Did I mention

Here in SOUTHERN Missouri

Everything edible

Every

Damn

Thing

Is deep-fried.

Thank God for my cholesterol medicine

Or I might be leaving Branson with a new bypass or two.

You know

Cardiac souvenirs.

And don't get me started on the nachos I bought yesterday.

Where I live

Restaurants

(and even theaters)

Take some pride in their nachos.

Did I mention that today

I am NOT where I live?

Yesterday in Branson, Missouri

SOUTHERN Missouri

I ordered some nachos at the snack bar connected to the playhouse we visited.

The kindly gentleman placed

On a tray

One tiny bag of round tortilla chips

Unopened

And one small container of semi-warm

Cheese sauce

Also unopened.

And that was an order of nachos

In Branson, Missouri.

When I asked for jalapenos

He stared like a possum caught in headlights.

Suddenly

I find myself looking forward

To visiting Pine Bluff

Arkansas

Next week.

At least I can get some good catfish there.

2010-03-21T09:16:00.011-05:00

Thought I'd pop back in for my semi-annual blog post.

Since I see that my good friend Karen Zipdrive still has my blog linked

(See "Pulp Friction" link to the right)

I think it's important that I update it regularly

For those that loyally

And rabidly

Follow my blog

(Both of you).

-ed note: your definition of "update regularly" may be different than the author's.

Anyhoo, I have no topic today, except to say

1. The caffeine is kicking in

2. My earbuds are delivering heavy metal at a dangerous volume level to my ears

3. The combination of these has me inspired to write more on my novel.

"Novel?" You ask incredulously.

Yup.

I've been writing what I jokingly call

The Twenty-Year Novel

For about two years now.

I have 18 years till deadline.

I'll let you know where you can buy it when I'm published and become hugely famous.

FYI: The word "incredulously" raised the gunning fog index on this post from 8.37 to 8.64. Ouch. That's a lot of power for one word. (Thanks, KZ!)

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

2009-08-03T09:23:00.003-05:00

Thought I'd try something different today.

Usually I check my email and surf the 'net while I drink my first cup of coffee. It's important to give the caffeine time to kick in before I try to write. I feel much more creative with caffeine.

Today I thought I'd post to my blog BEFORE coffee just to see what would happen and how fun it would be.

It's not fun. I don't like it. Turns out I don't like doing ANYTHING without caffeine.

Screw this. I'm outta here.

2009-08-02T10:09:00.007-05:00

I was having a really rough week at work.

Projects were piling up

The phone wouldn't stop ringing

Idiots kept walking in my office expecting me to drop everything to address their whiny needs.

By Thursday, I had pulled out my calculator

(Carried in my breast pocket and shielded from environmental harm by my trusty pocket protector)

And had calculated the feasability (is it spelled right?)

Of quitting and living off my meager savings.

*sigh*

The key word in that last sentence is "meager".

So having realized that I was cursed to be a worker-bee for the rest of my natural life

(and then some)

I wiped the tears and went back to work

Finishing my Thursday in true disgruntled civil servant style:

Yelling and screaming at anyone and everyone.

But then a miracle happened!

On Friday morning

An epiphany (what the hell is an epiphany? Look it up and learn sumthin')

Suddenly I realized what I had been doing wrong

I realized why I had become so inefficient

Why the pile of unfinished paperwork on my desk had just kept getting bigger and bigger!

It was because I wasn't using the proper equipment to do my work!

I was ecstatic at this revelation

My life seemed to have meaning once again.

And as I adjusted my work process to incorporate the proper equipment

I felt uplifted

Nay, EXALTED!

By the end of the day, my pile was gone

My work was all done

And I was no longer disgruntled.

All thanks to

Using

The

Proper

Equipment

As shown below.

(ed note: the proper spelling is feasibility. If you got it wrong, get up off your fat butt, put down the x-box controller, and open a friggin' book. LEARN SUMTHIN'!)

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

2009-07-03T10:17:00.006-05:00

I've never been much of a religious person

So worshipping idols

And putting things "on a pedestal"

To be glorified

Has never been much my style.

There is one exception, however.

Every day

Every

Single

Day

I bow down

And get on my knees

At the altar

Of the almighty

Coffee.

Yes, Coffee, my friends.

It has the power to solve the world's problems.

I know this

Because Coffee has been the source of many miracles in my life!

My testament to the miraculaous power of Coffee:

Daily

I mean

Every

Single

Day,

Coffee causes me to

NOT kill

Any of the idiots I am forced to interact with.

I need no more proof than that.

My lord

My god

Coffee.

That's me worshipping at the altar of Coffee

God must love stupid people; He made SO many of them!

2009-07-01T19:01:00.002-05:00

I had to re-learn an important lesson today.

One that I have learned periodically

Over and over

As the years have oozed by...

Just because the movie looks good on the Netflix page

Doesn't mean you should shoot it up to the top of the list.

Case in point:

Shira: The Vampire Samurai.

Ouch.

I gave it a full 3 and a half minutes before I had to turn SpongeBob on.

Never

Ever

Ever

Ever

Rent this movie.

If you do

I will find you

And laugh at you.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

2009-06-28T11:24:00.003-05:00

Good news: I got a laptop.

Bad news: It has Windows Vista on it.

Good news: I have now accepted Windows Vista as a little piece of Evil in my life.

Bad news: There's a stupid application that starts up every time I start the laptop.

And I can't figure out how to make it stop starting.

It puts an icon in the System Tray.

Ooh, I hate that!

That's MY system tray! Don't put things there without my permission, dammit!

The only way I can turn it off is to manually exit the app every time the laptop starts.

This irritates the Hell out of me.

If you've read my previous posts about efficiency in computer operations

(Don't lie. You know you haven't)

Then you know

I absolutely

Unequivically (is that spelled right? look it up. learn somethin')

Hate

Inefficient computer ops.

So to have to go thru these steps EVERY TIME THE COMPUTER STARTS:

1. Right-click on icon in system tray
2. Select Exit

Is for me, like fingernails on a chalkboard.

(Remember that scene in Jaws? THAT was a scene I will never forget!)

I've provided graphics to illustrate my annoyance.

Can you see it there in the system tray?

Mocking me? Scoffing at everything I believe in?

It annoys me.

Can't see it?

Here, I've marked it for you.Now prepare yourself.

I've enlarged it

So you can see it

In all its Evil Glory.

I warn you. This may be too intense for younger blog readers.

Parents, send you kids from the room now.

Ok. Here it is:

It's the icon for the built-in webcam.

It teases me at startup

Knowing that if I want it to go away

I must manually make it do so.

It also knows that I hate

Redundancy

And

Repeating myself (hee hee hee).

I SHOULD be able to program its non-existence

By checking a box somewhere

So that it never appears again.

But as God is my witness

I can't find that box

Anywhere.

Thus, I decree this application

"Gateway Web Camera Assistant Software UVC 1.7.068.0729"

To be Evil

With a capital "E"

Thus denoting that is worse than regular evil things

Like brocolli

And decaf coffee.

(ed note: it wasn't spelled correctly. Correct spelling is "unequivocally". Did you learn something?)

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

2009-06-21T09:51:00.015-05:00

A small yet poignant

Break

From my usual cynicism

Or is it pessimism?

There is a difference.

(Look it up. Learn sumfin'. Sheesh.)

Today is Father's Day.

My daughters got me a couple nice gifts:

One knows how much I really love unique gifts

Thus the edible bouquet of fruit

(the 2nd picture, in case you were confused.)

The other knows I love playing computer games

Thus the pic of the computer disk

(The disk is the game she got me as a gift, in case 2 + 2 didn't equal 4 for you).

(Can you use the process of elimination to guess which picture the disk is?)

Plus they both got me very funny cards.

Cuz, yup, I like very funny cards.

For my daughters, JoJoBob and TarjaBob:

Your hugs, wondrous.

My past, now unimportant.

My sins, forgiven.

My future, suddenly bright.

You speak and my soul soars.

“Da-da.”

2009-06-19T18:20:00.002-05:00

A while back

(or is it "awhile back"?)

Dunno. Don't care.

If you care, please post a comment and complain

Or correct me.

I like deleting comments.

Anyhoo, a while awhile back

I did a post about multi-tasking.

It was fun.

100% of my readership

(2 out of 2 readers)

Also enjoyed it.

Well, I'll be damned if it ain't happenin' again.

Right now

As I type.

The multi-tasking thing.

It's like a friggin' miracle

Or sumthin'.

Of course, your obvious question is

What multiple tasks am I performing?

Well you'll be amazed

When I tell you.

So sit on the edge of your seat

In anticipation

Anxiously scrolling thru all the lines

Of my post

(BTW, why the hell do I post like that?

With all the white space?

And broken lines?

It's not like I'm a poet.

I mean, nothing rhymes

And there's no mention of the word Nantucket ANYWHERE.

Geez, when I put it like that, all my posts look kind of idiotic)

Hmmm.

Dang.

Now I feel bad.

Not posting anymore.

*sniffle*

*sob*

In dog years, I'm dead.

2009-06-14T10:42:00.005-05:00

Wow.

I got prolific again

Temporarily.

Don't get excited.

It won't last.

But since the last few posts were on the same topic

I decided

A separate blog

Dedicated to that topic

Was in order.

So look to the right at the links.

Take note of the new link

And go there.

Now.

I SAID NOW DAMMIT!

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

2009-06-04T17:24:00.000-05:00

*grunt*

*groan*

[drags soapbox out from cold storage]

*grunt*

*groan*

It's heavy

*grunt*

*groan*

Ah, there we go

[steps up on soapbox]

[shouts] HEY HAGEE! DID YOU SEE THIS?

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/us_world/Church-Hands-50000-To-Parishoners.html?yhp=1

Help me, Jeebus! - H. Simpson

2008-09-16T21:00:00.000-05:00

Always considered myself pretty level-headed.

Not sure why the death of an old acid-rocker has me so sad.

And we'll bask in the shadow of yesterday's triumph, and sail on the steel breeze.

Come on you boy child, you winner and loser, come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!

Shine on you crazy diamond. Shine on.

2008-09-10T16:35:00.000-05:00

Today's lesson:

Just because the little white patches in your throat are gone

And just because you've been on the antibiotics for three days

And just because you woke up feeling slightly better this morning

It doesn't mean that you can go back to work

Drink mug after mug of coffee

Hit the workload like a frenzied hyena

And not feel any negative effects.

That's why I left at lunchtime,

Came home,

And took an all-afternoon nap.

I feel better now.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

2008-09-06T15:46:00.000-05:00

Son of a BITCH!

So it's only been two years since I last posted.

And they change everything.

Now I gotta have a Gmail account to blog here.

The fact that I already have two Hotmail accounts

Two Yahoo accounts

And three email accounts at work

Just means that I am not moving fast enough for the world at large.

I must have

EIGHT!

Eight email accounts is what it takes to be successful in this world.

And boyoboy

Do I wanna be

Successful.

One measure of my success is efficient use of time.

To elaborate:

See that ever-so-cute quote at the bottom of this post?

I copied it from a document using ctrl-c

And pasted it using ctrl-v

I know, I know

You're thinking, "What a god!"

But wait

There's more.

When I copied the quote

It was all in CAPS

(To make a more efficient use of my time, I abbreviated "capital letters" as "CAPS" in the previous line. How efficient of me.)

So I ctrl-v'd the quote into a blank Word doc

(Note all the abbvs in prev line. I'm truly an efficiency expert.)

Highlighted the quote

Then changed the case to

Sentence case

THEN I ctrl-c'd and ctrl-v'd it into THIS post

In the proper case

You may now bow down and worship the ground upon which I tread.

The man who says something is impossible should not interrupt the man who is doing it.

2006-08-09T21:50:00.000-05:00

God hates me.

I bought tickets to see Cinderella and Poison in concert.

I'm not much of a Poison fan but I really dig Cinderella.

I saw them on their first tour following their first album.

They were opening for Bon Jovi.

IMHO

Bon Jovi could have skipped the concert and we all would have still been

Thoroughly satisfied.

Cinderella rocked that much.

Anyhoo

I wanted to see how they (Cinderella) had fared

Over the last few

Decades.

A buddy of mine went with me.

I drove to the concert.

It was my turn.

(We'll find out later that this doesn't bode well for Our Hero)

Sooooooooooooooooo, as we are sitting there listening to the opening act

("End Ever After" - they kicked ass),

Literally FEET from the stage

Closer to any concert stage than I've ever been in MY LIFE

So close I can feel the individual cells in my heart

Firing their own self-running electrical pulses

In beat with the bass from the mile-high stack of speakers on the stage,

My buddy claims upset tummy

And she splits to the restroom.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

I'm gettin' kind of worried

Cuz she's not back yet.

And since it's break time between the acts

I figger I better go find her.

So I do what any concerned friend would do in that situation

I go get a 5-dollar bottle of water

And wander aimlessly

Thru the concert crowd

Ogling the scantily clad female fans

And kind of looking for my friend.

(Is "ogling" spelled right? I dunno. Go look it up and learn sumthin')

No luck.

Well no luck on the part about finding my friend

(There were many many scantily clad female fans for my eyes to wander upon and over)

Now it's getting serious

So I call her cell phone.

Turns out she's real sick and

Recovering from puking in the bathroom.

She needs to go home.

And guess what?

I had driven to the concert.

It had been my turn.

So I took her home.

And, of course, Verizon will not let you do in & out.

So for the price of an up-front and personal concert ticket

I got to see the opening act.

Hooray.

God hates me.

I purchased tickets to see Def Leppard and Journey in concert.

Same town, same venue.

Journey is OK

But I have wanted

All my life

To see the one-armed drummer.

I was pretty excited.

Surely God wants me to see Def Leppard

He owes me after the Cinderella/Poison scandal

Right?

Surely He wouldn't bust me out TWICE in the same year?!?!

Little did I know that God has a seriously

Twisted

Sense of humor.

Only AFTER the tickets came in the mail

And I had them in my hot little hands

And I looked REALLY close at them

Did I notice something funny about the date of the concert...

"Hmmm"

Went that tiny annoying voice in my head that's always right

(And always sounds so condescending)

"It seems we've purchased tickets

For a concert

That is occurring the day after we leave town for our Florida vacation."

"SONOFAB-" editor's note: the following few lines of this story have been edited out as they really add nothing to this blog post and the language used in them would probably offend all but the most hardened death-row inmates

So it's true

All the things they told me in church

When I was a little boy

It's all true

God really IS vengeful

And mean

And he hates me.

Evidently, I am destined

To never

Ever

See a rock and roll concert

Again.

Hmmmm, I wonder what would happen if I were to buy Hillary Duff tickets...

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

2006-04-16T21:06:00.000-05:00

Someone said this on a radio show:

"If you are poor or working class or generally NOT wealthy

And you vote Republican

You are severely out of touch with reality."

True? Or not true? (to paraphrase Howie Mandel)

Error: CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C.? (Y/N)

2006-04-09T00:19:00.000-05:00

...Did you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said "Peace could last forever"?

And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
I went numb when I learned to see

So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can't trust freedom
When it's not in your hands
When everybody's fightin'
For their promised land

And
I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor...

I didn't write it, but I'm in a blah mood tonight
And it fits.

2006-04-08T22:51:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty tired.

This'll probably end up being kinda short.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

2006-04-07T21:02:00.000-05:00

When I was younger

MUCH

Younger,

I would make fun of people who didn't listen to the same music I did.

I had to

They were different

And different was scary

And evil.

Back then, I was a head-banger

Before the term was even coined.

Heavy metal was my life.

Anybody who wasn't into Metal

Was an outsider

Untrustable

Weak.

Time passed.

I started hearing my heros

(or is it "heroes"?

Who cares? Get a life...)

On COMMERCIALS!

Even the Gods of my youth

(Steven T and Company)

Have whored themselves out to corporate America

(of course, after the fiasco with Run DMC, they had pretty much crossed any line I could draw for them - but that's another blog entry).

So as the grey (gray?) hair starts taking firm root

And more time passes

And my eyes open

I finally realize

That the Metal attitude

All my "heros" were selling in the 70s

Was just that:

Something To Sell.

And when their target market grew up

And no longer wanted to purchase the Metal attitude

They either had to go get REAL jobs

Or

They had to go prostitute somewhere else.

Like Cadillac

Like Dodge

Like The Gap

Etc...

Whores.

So here's my dilemma today:

Def Leppard is coming in concert.

Do I stand by my values

And boycott a group of 40 year-olds whose message USED to be

Anti-establishment?

(ok, ok, I'll grant that they weren't necessarily really BAD

Not like Bon Scott and the boys

Or Ozzy and his crew

But it was so COOL to have a one-armed drummer!)

Or should I plunk down the ol' credit card

And pony up almost $100 to see the old-timers play

Rock of Ages

One

More

Time?

Truth be told

I'm not going to go

For the music...

I just want to see Rick Allen

Play drums

As well as

Or even better than

Most other drummers.

And I want to see him do it with just one arm.
_____________

Did you see that?

Did you see what I just did?

That was my impression

Of a Republican.

When faced with a moral dilemma

I came up with a totally senseless

Excuse

To circumvent

My personal values.

All for the sake of my personal pleasure.
____________________

Follow-on to the saga of growing up music-wise:

I have now become

The person I used to make fun of.

I now listen to not just

Metal

But almost anything (Run DMC DEFINITELY excluded)

And it drives my kids nuts.

As an example:

Barnes & Noble just called today

To tell me a CD I ordered arrived.

I'll be picking it up tomorrow morning.

Lulu.

"From Crayons to Perfume"

If you can guess which song

I actually bought the CD for

Then you'll see just how far I've come

From being the narrow-minded

Tunnel-visioned

Head banger

That I used to be.

...now where's that Air Supply CD...?

You sound reasonable…must be time to up my medication.

2006-02-17T06:15:00.000-06:00

My bible has an extra book in it. Here's an excerpt:

The Book of Evil Vegetables Chapter 3, verses 16-25
...and so spake Jebediah to Jacob to Ezekial to Jeb to Ephram to his begotten wife. "Nay shalt thou cooketh of the vile green putrescence which is brocolli. For, verily, I sayeth, it cometh NOT from thine Lord, but from the Serpent himself. Beware that which is brocolli. However, I sayeth, verily, thou shalt partake of the fruit of the vine which is Spinach and which is blessed in mine sight, which hath been lovingly bestoweth upon thine heads by thine Lord God Almighty. Amen"
________________

Brocolli... *ugh*

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

2006-02-11T20:26:00.000-06:00

Last post - 3 Jan 06.

Before that - 25 Dec 05.

I was getting dangerously close to becoming

Prolific.

I had to stop

Or at least slow down

Before I became a madman

And lost all control of my life.

...

So my youngest

(12 years old)

Is goth

(Yuck)

And she really likes heavy metal

(Not yuck).

Actually she and I share an affinity for things like

AC/DC

Korn

Evanescence

Rob Zombie

Black Sabbath

And others.

So when she came home one day

Ranting

Raving

About a group called

"Him"

I naturally thought I'd check it out.

So off I go to Best Buy

With jovial thoughts

Of mindless head-banging

Dancing in my skull.

Now being a college graduate

I easily locate "H"

Among the Pop/Rock CDs and in no time

I hold

In my hot little hands

A CD with a picture of some slimy guy on the cover

Who would truly make Jimmy Swaggart

And Jim Bakker

Vomit.

I'm happy.

So I pay the cashier

Sprint to the truck

Spend half an hour fighting the wrapping off the CD

And pop it in the player.

The first few notes of the first song

BLARE

LOUD

FAST

HARD

I'm in rock and roll ecstasy

For 3.8 seconds.

Then as soon as the orgy of sound started

It stopped.

Allofasudden I'm listening to somebody

Who wanted to be David Bowie.

Don't get me wrong.

I likes me some David Bowie.

In fact

"Golden Years"

ALWAYS gets me singing at the top of my lungs.

But it's like this:

When I want chocolate ice cream

I don't eat pizza.

Two different worlds.

...

Now the really bad part...

I was SO convinced

That this was gonna be great music

That I bought TWO of "Him"'s CDs

(yes the quotes are correct, snooty)

And they BOTH had the same sound.

Of course this was good news to my goth daughter

As she now has

Two brand new CDs

By Him.

...

Follow-up:

Very rarely in my life

Have I actually LOVED

A song

First time I heard it.

My earliest memory

Of this phenomenon:

I was a teenager

Listening to a RECORD

(You know - looks kind of like a CD, but it's big and black and there's music on BOTH sides...)

The song was

"Nobody's Fault"

I'll let you figger out who the group was.

(Research it

Buy the CD

It'll be worth your while)

Anywho, the latest event like this for me was the song

"Iron Head"

Rob Zombie.

Check it out.

...

Ed. Note - In truth, I don't really know if the quotes were correct. And in even MORE truth, I don't really give a [expletive deleted]...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight; it’s far more interesting that way.

2006-01-03T19:51:00.000-06:00

Work sucks.

Vacations are truly the answer.

I went back to work today after a week and a half off.

*ugh*

Tomorrow I'm going to buy a lottery ticket.

Overheard in surgery: "Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy."

2005-12-25T07:15:00.000-06:00

It's December 25th.

It's about 7 a.m.

It's my second cup of hot coffee.

The kids are in still in bed.

The sun is just coming up outside the window.

I'm filled with a warm, wonderful feeling inside...

That feeling that only happens once a year

That feeling that comes about because it's a very, very special time of the year.

You know what I'm talking about:

Of course

That warm, wonderful glow deep down in my very soul

Is

What you get when you know

You have a WHOLE WEEK of vacation still lying ahead of you!!!
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You thought I was gonna get preachy about xmas, didn't you?

...geez, I wonder if I got all the loot I asked Santa for...?

2005-12-23T08:10:00.000-06:00

OK. I hate WalMart's business practices.

They are a big

And evil

Corporation.

They treat their people like slaves

And run rough-shod over small town governments

So they can build their next SuperCenter there

And put all the Mom & Pops out of business.

*sigh*

So here's my dilemma:

I did some of my xmas shopping at WalMart last week.

Does that make me a bad person?

Does that make me a hypocrite?

Or does that make me a penny-pinching cheapskate who was also too lazy to drive the extra 2 miles to Target on the way home from work last Tuesday?

Does it help if I tell you that I spit on the bathroom floor

After pissing all over the urinal

In the WalMart restroom?

Does that bit of rebelliousnous

Balance out the evil I committed by buying some gifts there?

But even more importantly

Do you think that I am so insecure

That your opinion really makes a difference to me?
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Leave a comment if you want.

For those that aren't in "I like to think for myself" mode

I've done your thinking for you:

Just copy and paste from the pre-made comments below:

1. I can't believe you actually shopped at a WalMart. You yourself point out in your blog entry the main reasons NOT to shop there. They are a socially irresponsible entity. You should feel guilty for the legacy you are leaving your children.

2. WALMART IS THE MANE REASIN THIS COUNTRY IS GOING TO HELL! THEY ARE ONE OF THE CORPRATE ENTITTIES THAT ARE INTINT ON REDUCEING THE WORKING CLAS TO SLAVE STATUSS AND RAPEING US OF ALL OUR RIGHTS AND CIVILIAN LIBERTEES! I BET YOU DRIVE A SUV, YOU BASTARD! I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL! YOU FUCKING HELL-BURNING PEACE OF SHIT! YEAH! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Man, you know, I think it's important that everyone do what they need to do. If you felt the need to go to WalMart, then you go!

4. I shop at WalMart every day. WalMart is my Lord and Master. I live to serve the Walton empire. Please give me more money so that I may shop at WalMart some more. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

5. Dude, I thought this wasn't a political blog. WTF?

6. JimBob - you are the epitome of manliness and studliness. I want to bask in the glory of your light and worship the very air molecules that surround your awesomeness. What is your mailing address? I want to mail my panties and bra to you.

7. THIS IS YOUR BOSS - GET YOUR ASS BACK TO WORK!

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

2005-12-13T17:17:00.000-06:00

***FLASHBACK***

When I was growing up, I lived in a working class suburb.

Middle class.

No crime.

Kinda nice.

Back then, the neighborhood where the rich kids lived was "Clayton".

I always wondered what it would be like to live in Clayton.

The ritzy side of town.

***END FLASHBACK***

I spent the last 10 years living in the same type of middle class suburban neighborhood that I grew up in.

Still wondering what it would be like to live on the ritzy side of town.

Clayton.

In my current town, the ritzy side of town is Stone Oak.

I no longer wonder what it would be like to live there.

I'm there.

And it sucks.

An anecdote to start us off:

I'm used to being flipped off

Occasionally

On the road.

My driving is

At times

...er...

COLORFUL

To put it nicely.

But last Saturday morning at 7:30

In the WalMart parking lot

I was in super-nice mode

(I did, after all, have a good dose of caffeine in my veins

And a wallet full of ca$h with which to purchase Xmas gifts.

And don't ask what I got you for Xmas, Dusty.

You'll just have to come visit KZ and me to find out)

I was feelin' good

When a minivan whipped out in front of me

Causing me to stand up on the breaks.

And put the fear of God

Into the little Beamer sports car behind me.

I immediately switched to battle mode.

Reaching for floorboard projectiles to hurl

Out the window

At the minivan

At the enemy

Until I noticed it was just a little old lady.

I figgered she just wasn't paying attention.

So I decided not to lob any breakables at her.

But in the next nanosecond

(Now too late for me to retaliate in kind

As I had already dropped the bowling pin I keep on the floorboard

For just such occasions)

Gramma whipped that hand up

Flipped me off

And began mouthing unrecognizable words at me

(Well, SOME of the words were recognizable.

You know the ones I mean).

Like it was all MY fault.

It's a wonder her dentures didn't fall out

As fast as her mouth was goin'.

I'd like to know who makes her adhesive.

That'd be a good stock investment.

So this is a taste

Of how it is

In Stone Oak

The ritzy side of town.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Old side of town: I knew all my neighbors by first name.

Stone Oak: I knocked on my new neighbors' doors to introduce myself to them and they acted like I was a madman. Not the most social neighborhood.

Solution: Looked up all neighbors' names in the neighborhood association's directory. (They really do print this - it lists every human being by name and birthdate that lives in the neighborhood. Great stalking tool). Made a neighborhood chart with pictures of little houses using Excel and entered everyone's address and names on the chart. Posted chart inside front door.

Result: . I quickly glance inside the front door, consult the handy-dandy "Who's Who In the Neighborhood" chart hanging there, note the address of the waving neighbor, ascertain his name, and respond, "Hi Jim".

Old side of town: Constantly being surrounded by aggressive drivers on the road driving junkers that they don't care about cuz they're already paid for.

Stone Oak: Constantly being surrounded by aggressive drivers on the road driving Hummers, BMWs, and Lexus's that they don't care about cuz they can afford to buy another one when the ashtray gets full.

Solution: Become that aggressive driver on the road driving a junker that I don't care about cuz it's already paid for. Play Korn really loud with sunglasses on, so others think I'm stoned and wouldn't notice bouncing off the occasional Beamer every now and then.

Result: Those driving Hummers, BMWs, and Lexus's contemplate what it would be like to live in a better part of town where the working poor aren't aggressively driving stoned in their junkers around their neighborhood.

Old side of town: punk-ass criminal-looking teenage boys trying to date my daughter.

Stone Oak: punk-ass preppie-looking teenage boys trying to date my daughter.

Solution: ALWAYS answer the phone or the door before my daughter does. Explain potential pitfalls of EVER touching my daughter without her permission. Explain that my daughter isn't old enough to give permission. Remind potential suitors that I have friends that work in hospitals that can, very thoroughly, dismember, hide, and dispose of "my little irritations".

Result: punk-ass teenage boys obviously controlled by hormones and NOT common sense. Scared of me, but not smart enough to run away. End up owing lots of favors to my friend at the hospital...

Old side of town: House too small. Not enough room for guests.

Stone Oak: Much larger house. Family visits often.

Result: contemplating moving back to old side of town.

***EPILOGUE***

Just cuz I know yer wonderin'

If I got you anything for Xmas

My number one reader...

I did.

It's a wish

That you too

Can live in joy

And serenity

On the ritzy side of town.

And still complain

Just

Like

Me.

Always remember that you're unique; just like everybody else.

2005-11-17T19:41:00.000-06:00

Short post

Big dilemma.

Aerosmith is coming in concert again.

I've been a faithful (ravenous?) fan since '77

When I first heard "Draw the Line"

On 8-track.

I was sad when they broke up in ('81)

I was confused when they got temporary replacement members

And recorded that one god-awful album ('82)

I was ecstatic when all the originals got back together ('84).

I've been in rock and roll heaven ever since.

Anyhoo, the dilemma:

Tickets are $45 for the cheap seats

$125 for the good seats.

My wife wants to go

And so does my youngest daughter.

That's three seats.

And due to current budget constraints

That's three CHEAP seats.

But

For almost the same price

I can get ONE good seat.

You see my dilemma.

I'm torn.

Thought for the day:
GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE!

2005-11-13T07:14:00.000-06:00

I have a new job.

It entails a bunch of duties that I'm not proficient at yet.

(Teach always said, "Don't end your sentences with a preposition"

That's why I put the word 'yet' at the end of the 2nd sentence.)

I'm a perfectionist

And I fear failure

And I fear looking silly to others.

(I also fear dinosaurs, but that's not really pertinent here)

So to have a job that I don't yet perform in an Earth-shaking manner

Produces much anxiety in me

And fear

And sleepless nights.

Which

In a roundabout way

Is why I'm posting to my favorite blog

(mine)

This fine Sunday morning.

This a.m. was yet another morn when I awoke to the sweet sweet sound

Of a million and one fearful thoughts rushing thru my head about the new job.

"Geez, what if I can't get the new computer software to work?"

"What about those reports that were due last week, but are still sitting on my desk?"

"What about all those meetings I'm supposed to have this week with people

Who think I know all about my job?

Will they find out that I'm a fake

And that I really don't know what I'm doing?"

And one of the worst:

"What if I wake up late, show up to work and realize that I forgot to put on my pants, everyone is pointing and laughing, I fall out of an airplane without a parachute, and then get chased by dinosaurs?"

(That last one is kind of a conglomeration (amalgamation?) of all my worst nightmares

Especially the dinosaurs.)

That's how the day started

At 5 a.m

On a Sunday.

Now that you have the scenario, let's get to what I really want to talk about this a.m...

With first cup of coffee firmly in hand

My hair still in the shape of the pillow I slept on

And the wonderful aroma of my unwashed body oozing thru the air about me

I thought I'd read up on my favorite blogs

Mine being the first one I checked, of course.

And, as usual, there were a plethora of new comments on my blog

Zero, to be exact.

ed note - does the word 'plethora' match the verb in the sentence above?

I'm not gonna tell ya.

Check out dictionary.com and learn somethin'.

So I moved on to my other two favorites

(see sidebar if you really MUST leave my blog)

And what did I see on someone else's blog?

You know the old adage

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"?

Well, someone used a term in their blog

That I coined

In reference to a certain political organization.

ed note - mine is not a political blog

So I won't be telling you what the term was.

Too bad

Cuz you'd have giggled like a little schoolgirl.

Anyhoo, it put a big smile on my face this morning!

In the interest of maintaining anonymity

No names

Just first initials

D.

So I'd like to send a big shout out to

My blog buddy

Who has flattered me by imitation

And who has helped re-color my morning blues

To something of a more cheery hue

(ably assisted, of course, by my drug of choice - caffeine)

By using the word 'Repube' in her latest post.

Oops.

Damn!

Oh well, you may now giggle like a little schoolgirl.

...dinosaurs ...*yuck*

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

2005-11-04T07:59:00.000-06:00

So I did a quick statistical calculation of how many people visit my BLOG.

Using advanced theoretical mathematics

With many estimated variables

And huge gaps in logic

The number I came up with was too large to fit on my TI-30Xa calculator.

This is the same calculator, by the way,

For which I paid about 20 bucks about 15 years ago

And which got me through two semesters of calculus.

It is NOT a graphing calculator, thank you very much!

So imagine my amusement when my daughter's high school sends home a note

Telling me that students enrolled in algebra II and/or Physics

MUST have a graphing calculator for those classes.

My first reaction was to call the school

And give them a piece of my mind

(Obviously they needed it)

But then, I thought about how it might go...

JimBob: "Hi. I'm obviuosly an idiot parent of a student at your school.

I must be an idiot because I'm too stupid to just accept the inanity

Of the notes you send home with my daughter.

But, if you could,

Please

Just explain to me

In small words (cuz, remember I'm kinda dumb)

Why is it that you are mandating that my daughter own a 200$ calculator

For classes that I did with a slide-rule back when I took them?"

(ed note - true story. My Physics prof in high school would give an extra 10% bonus to anyone who took his exams with a slide rule. So we all learned how to use one. It's all about the decimal place...)

(ed note 2 - this is the same Physics prof who was quietly retired when it was discovered that he had a thing for the females in his classes...he was easily in his 50s...they were easily in their teens...this explains how my girlfriend always got such good grades even though, when we studied together, she seemed to comprehend Physics about as much as I comprehend why anyone would vote Republican. I think she's living in a trailer park somewhere now...)

Imaginary response from the drone at the school:

(Insert condescending tone here)

Drone: "Sir, the school board has made these decisions

With the childrens' best interests at heart

Based on guidance provided by the Texas Board of Education

Based on guidance from the Texas legislature.

Please don't try to out-think the Texas state legislature."

And then my imaginary conversation takes a turn for the worse

As I begin ranting about what the TX state legislature

Actually has in their heads instead of brains

And questioning the school drone's heritage

And finally ending with words that cross the lines of legality

And I get hauled off to jail

For threatening to "cleanse the gene pool".

So, instead of the conversation where I get all bent out of shape

Because the TX legislature says I gotta buy my kid a graphing calculator

So they can teach her how to push buttons

Instead of how to actually THINK

(GOD FORBID!)

I just bought her a graphing calculator.

And I do my best to teach her how to think at home.

She does her best to not learn from me.

But THAT'S another blog entry

For another day.

But none of that really matters...

Because the whole reason I posted today was that

One of the BILLIONS of readers of this blog

Chastised me

And I quote:

dude..you are a serious slacker in the blog department :P

And I'm nothing, if I'm not

A people-pleaser.

And thus you have today's blog entry.

(inanity - is it a word? check dictionary.com and learn something)

"Officer, I'm surprised you stopped me. They're having a 2-for-1 sale at Dunkin Donuts."

2005-10-27T09:53:00.000-05:00

*Sigh*

Another moral dilemma.

Work-related.

This evening the carpet in my office is being replaced.

Everything must be up off the floor and out of the shelves.

Packed into boxes and moved out.

It will probably take me 2-3 hours to get it all done.

Which means I've lost almost a whole afternoon of potentially-productive work time.

The dilemma:

Should I bust my butt this morning trying to do twice as much work

So that the loss of my afternoon doesn't affect my overall productivity for the week?

Or should I just operate at my normal pace this morning

And not feel bad about losing the afternoon?

I mean, the decision to replace the carpeting was made by higher-ups

So it isn't like it's MY fault that I'm not getting anything done this afternoon.
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There is a third option.

I could just sit here and fuck around on the computer all morning

And get NO work done

And tell anyone who asks

"I'm just checking my email before packing boxes..."

Guess which one I picked.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

2005-10-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

I'm off today.

Sittin' at home.

Beautiful sunny day outside the window.

Cup of high-quality generic Wal Mart coffee in my hand ($2.29/metric ton).

Reflecting on how important I have become

Because of the multitude of folks that post to this BLOG.

One of them said:

"JB- get that weird letter verification thing off Blogspot and dump those Spammers. "

I was in a quandry.

(ed. note - had to look that up on dictionary.com to see if it was spelled right. Is it? I'm not going to do your thinking for you...)

It does my ego good and gives me a sense of self-worth when I see the huge number of folks who post here.

Unfortunately, fully 20 - 25% of those are spammers.

So do I continue to live in my made-up little world?

Believing that I am oh-so-worthy because so damn many people think highly enough of me to post to my BLOG?

Even though many of them are spammers?

And truly don't know me?

And just want to sell me a bigger penis?

Or hot kinky teenage sex?

Or good generic drugs?

And should I thus let the spammers define my value to the universe?

Or should I come back to reality and admit that my self-worth actually comes from inside?

And that no one can really define me, except ME?

And that it really is NOT my business what other people think of me?

That it's more important what I think of me?

Well, if you post a response to this, I think you'll be able to figure out which direction I went.

And how I solved my quandary.

2005-10-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been 4 days since my last post.

I think I'm in danger of becoming prolific.

I had to look up prolific on dictionary.com to see if I was using it right.

I'm not gonna tell you if I was.

Suffer.

Anywho, today's dilemma:

I work a flex schedule and today I am supposed to get off of work an hour early.

This morning, The Boss told everyone they could leave an hour early today as a mini-reward for a job well-done on a recent project.

So does that mean I get to leave TWO hours early?

More importantly, do I ask The Boss for clarification?

With the chance that I WON'T get to leave two hours early?

But ensuring that I don't make a mistake and tick the boss off?

And also assuring the boss that I am a responsible employee who is mindful of the welfare of the department?

...

Now let's flash back to reality, kiddos.

It's Friday.

I'm leaving two hours early today.

Sometimes, it's better to ask forgiveness than permission

2005-10-10T10:11:00.000-05:00

I was gonna put this in the other post for today, but it just didn't fit.

God forbid I get labelled as a regular blogger.

Anywho...

I'm off work today. To celebrate some guy who ran slaves and accidentally smacked into the East coast of the United States back in 1492.

Don't get me wrong, I'll celebrate your goldfish's birthday if I get a day off for it.

I'm just wondering two things:

1. Why did I have to wait until I got to COLLEGE to find out that this guy wasn't the best thing since sliced bread?

2. Aren't there a lot of OTHER dead human beings who deserve a day to celebrate more than a dead slave-runner?

Of course, I don't judge this guy because I'd be judging his 5-century-old actions based on my 2005 standards. But what I DO wonder is WHY we still celebrate him?

Is that the message we want to pass on to our kids? And to the rest of the world?

"Hey everybody, we'd just like to let you know that we are STILL celebrating the works of a dead slave-trader."

Of course, history classes for me were usually nap time, so I could be way off-base here.

Any thoughts from the huge audience this blog has?

2005-10-10T10:06:00.000-05:00

One of the MULTITUDE of folks that regularly post to my BLOG said:

"most of us only post when we are bitchy aka cynical..i figured it was a federal law..or some such nonsense..."

Or could it be instead that it's the fed that MAKES us bitchy and cynical?

and thus we post voluminously, so that it APPEARS that we are following some kind of law...?

cause and effect

chicken or the egg

coffee or the mug

2005-10-07T08:44:00.000-05:00

OK. I'm at work on what was supposed to be a day off.

Every fiber of my being tells me to procrastinate on work stuff.

So I am.

Procrastinating, that is.

Posting to my BLOG on work time.

Sticking it to the man.

Think I'll go get some coffee now.

A fellow bloggers says I should post with a "topic" to encourage responses.

But I don't really want to talk with anyone.

But here's a topic anyhow: coffee.

Let your wisdom flow.

The goal for this post: greater than or equal to zero responses.

2005-09-11T01:15:00.000-05:00

Someone mentioned that I might want to post my real email address under my blogger profile, in case folks wanted to contact me.

My response was: "But I don't want folks to contact me..."

However, I do enjoy a good puzzle, so here's my email address - in code.

012113201314 & "35"

And I guess after you get that first part of the address, you should probably send it to Bill Gates' little piece of Internet email real eastate.

And no good puzzle is complete without a hint...

I enjoy programming computers. Literally. (There are 3 aspects of the puzzle that depend on that hint.)

If you can figger it out, email me and I'll give you a medal. Or a flower. Or nothing. Guess it'll depend on my mood at the time.

2005-09-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

Ummm, I don't really have anything to post. I just needed to create a BLOG so that I could upload a pic to it, so I could have a graphic beside my name when I post to other people's BLOGs.

Seems like a real waste of electrons, but a cool pic is a cool pic...

Have a nice day. Or don't. Your choice.

2005-09-06T11:50:00.000-05:00

erdfy