God hates me.

I bought tickets to see Cinderella and Poison in concert.

I'm not much of a Poison fan but I really dig Cinderella.

I saw them on their first tour following their first album.

They were opening for Bon Jovi.

IMHO

Bon Jovi could have skipped the concert and we all would have still been

Thoroughly satisfied.

Cinderella rocked that much.

Anyhoo

I wanted to see how they (Cinderella) had fared

Over the last few

Decades.

A buddy of mine went with me.

I drove to the concert.

It was my turn.

(We'll find out later that this doesn't bode well for Our Hero)

Sooooooooooooooooo, as we are sitting there listening to the opening act

("End Ever After" - they kicked ass),

Literally FEET from the stage

Closer to any concert stage than I've ever been in MY LIFE

So close I can feel the individual cells in my heart

Firing their own self-running electrical pulses

In beat with the bass from the mile-high stack of speakers on the stage,

My buddy claims upset tummy

And she splits to the restroom.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

I'm gettin' kind of worried

Cuz she's not back yet.

And since it's break time between the acts

I figger I better go find her.

So I do what any concerned friend would do in that situation

I go get a 5-dollar bottle of water

And wander aimlessly

Thru the concert crowd

Ogling the scantily clad female fans

And kind of looking for my friend.

(Is "ogling" spelled right? I dunno. Go look it up and learn sumthin')

No luck.

Well no luck on the part about finding my friend

(There were many many scantily clad female fans for my eyes to wander upon and over)

Now it's getting serious

So I call her cell phone.

Turns out she's real sick and

Recovering from puking in the bathroom.

She needs to go home.

And guess what?

I had driven to the concert.

It had been my turn.

So I took her home.

And, of course, Verizon will not let you do in & out.

So for the price of an up-front and personal concert ticket

I got to see the opening act.

Hooray.

God hates me.

I purchased tickets to see Def Leppard and Journey in concert.

Same town, same venue.

Journey is OK

But I have wanted

All my life

To see the one-armed drummer.

I was pretty excited.

Surely God wants me to see Def Leppard

He owes me after the Cinderella/Poison scandal

Right?

Surely He wouldn't bust me out TWICE in the same year?!?!

Little did I know that God has a seriously

Twisted

Sense of humor.

Only AFTER the tickets came in the mail

And I had them in my hot little hands

And I looked REALLY close at them

Did I notice something funny about the date of the concert...

"Hmmm"

Went that tiny annoying voice in my head that's always right

(And always sounds so condescending)

"It seems we've purchased tickets

For a concert

That is occurring the day after we leave town for our Florida vacation."

"SONOFAB-" editor's note: the following few lines of this story have been edited out as they really add nothing to this blog post and the language used in them would probably offend all but the most hardened death-row inmates

So it's true

All the things they told me in church

When I was a little boy

It's all true

God really IS vengeful

And mean

And he hates me.

Evidently, I am destined

To never

Ever

See a rock and roll concert

Again.

Hmmmm, I wonder what would happen if I were to buy Hillary Duff tickets...










After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?